What to Say When Your Child Refuses to Go to School

When your child refuses to go to school, say two things together: that you can see this is really hard, and that you believe they can get through it. Then stop talking. Pediatric guidance favors short, warm and steady over a long explanation.

That two-part message matches what pediatric sources advise. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and Nationwide Children's both tell parents to acknowledge a child's concerns while still expecting school. The scripts below are examples. Change them until they sound like you.

The formula: acceptance plus confidence

The idea of a supportive statement comes from SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions), a parent-based program developed by Eli Lebowitz, PhD, at the Yale Child Study Center for children with anxiety and OCD. In the published trial of the program, parents were taught responses that acknowledge what the child is feeling while also conveying confidence that the child can cope.

An honest note about the evidence. That trial, published in 2020, involved 124 children ages 7 to 14 with anxiety disorders and found the parent program was not inferior to child CBT for anxiety. It did not study school refusal, it did not measure attendance, and it did not include older teens. So this is a sensible way to talk to an anxious child that fits what pediatric organizations advise. It is not a tested treatment for school refusal.

In practice, each statement has two halves, and it needs both. Acceptance alone can sound like permission to stay home. Confidence alone can sound like you are not listening.

The night before

Evening is the time for conversation, because mornings are not. Cincinnati Children's suggests preparing items the night before and keeping routines predictable. Use the calm to ask what is hard and to agree on the plan, then leave it alone.

If your child raises a real problem, such as a bully, a class they are failing or a teacher they fear, write it down and tell them you will take it to the school. The AAP advises parents to become an advocate when something like that is behind the anxiety. Our guide on how to talk to the school covers that conversation.

At the bedroom door

The AAP advises keeping talk about symptoms and anxieties to a minimum in the morning, and specifically suggests not asking your child how they feel. Skip "How are you feeling about today?" and go to the routine.

If your child argues, Cincinnati Children's advises repeating your expectation in a calm voice without criticizing, lecturing or explaining. One sentence, repeated, is enough.

In the car and at the door

The last few minutes can be the hardest. Keep your voice low, keep moving through the routine, and keep the goodbye brief. If the school has agreed that a staff member will meet your child, name that person.

If your child cannot get out of the car, do not pull or carry them. YoungMinds, a UK charity, advises against physically forcing a child into school. Go to the next best step you can both manage, such as walking to the office together, and tell the school what happened. A gradual return-to-school plan gives you smaller steps to offer.

Responding to the hard replies

"I feel sick"

The AAP describes the stomachaches and headaches of school avoidance as real symptoms that children do not consciously control. So do not say they are faking. Check for a fever or other clear signs of illness, then respond to the feeling and the plan. If physical complaints keep coming, a pediatrician visit to rule out illness is the first step the AAP recommends.

"I believe your stomach hurts. No fever, so we are going. Worry can make a stomach hurt, and it often eases once the morning gets going."

"You don't understand"

They may be right, and saying so costs you nothing.

"You're right, I probably don't know exactly how it feels. I want to. Tell me tonight and I will just listen. Right now we are getting in the car."

"I hate you"

This is usually distress talking. Do not answer the insult and do not withdraw your warmth.

"You're really angry with me. I can take that. I love you, and I am still taking you to school."

Silence, or a blanket over the head

A child who has shut down is probably not ignoring you on purpose. Say less, stay near, and offer one small step.

"You don't have to talk. I'm going to sit here for a minute. When I stand up, we are going to the bathroom to brush teeth."

"I want to die" or "I'll hurt myself"

Take this seriously every time, even if you suspect it is about avoiding school. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) says a child with suicidal thoughts or plans should be evaluated right away, and that asking about suicide directly can help. Stop the morning routine, stay with your child, and call or text 988, which in Colorado reaches the 988 Colorado Mental Health Line. Call 911 if there is immediate danger.

"I'm glad you told me. I'm staying right here. Are you thinking about killing yourself?"

Phrases to avoid, and what to try

Most of the phrases on the left come from love or exhaustion. They tend to backfire for one of three reasons: they dismiss the feeling, they open a negotiation, or they offer an escape that makes tomorrow harder.

What to say to siblings

Brothers and sisters notice everything, including who seems to be getting out of school. Keep it brief and fair, and protect your child's privacy.

After a hard morning

Whether they went or not, the evening is the place to repair. Notice effort, not just the result, and keep tomorrow's expectation in view. YoungMinds advises against shouting at or scolding a child, and if you did lose your temper, a short apology shows your child what recovering from a hard moment looks like.

If you find yourself needing these scripts most mornings, that is a sign to get more help, not a sign you are saying it wrong. The AAP suggests professional help when school avoidance lasts more than a week. Parent training at Mountainside Behavioral Health covers school refusal and is available to parents of young people ages 8 and up, in Greenwood Village and by telehealth across Colorado. For the wider plan, see what to do when your child refuses school.

If your child talks about wanting to die, is harming themselves, or you are worried about their safety, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Colorado Mental Health Line (free, confidential, 24/7). If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.

Frequently asked questions

Related reading

• What to do when your child refuses school
• Should I let my child stay home?
• School refusal and anxiety
• A gradual return-to-school plan
• For teens: when you can't make yourself go to school
• Parent Training With CBT Techniques: Support for Families in Denver

All school refusal resources →

This page is general education, not medical or legal advice, and it does not replace an evaluation by a licensed professional who knows your child. Laws, district policies and program details change; confirm them with your school district or the organization named.