What Validation Is, and How to Do It

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What validation means

Your teen storms in after a bad day and you say, "It's not that big a deal." You meant to help. Instead the volume goes up. Many parents, partners and friends know this moment. Validation is the skill DBT uses to change it.

In DBT, validation means telling someone that their response makes sense in some way. A 2009 overview of DBT by Michaela Swales, PhD, available through the American Psychological Association's PsycNet, describes the therapist's task as finding the truth, wisdom and accuracy in a person's responses and highlighting them. It also says acceptance in DBT means acknowledging what is, rather than approving of it or agreeing with it.

Validation is one half of a balance. DBT pairs acceptance with change, and the same overview notes that validation helps people tolerate how hard change is. Feeling understood often comes before being ready to try something new.

What validation is not

The most common worry is that validating means letting things slide. It does not. These are the usual mix-ups:

• Not agreement. "I can see why you're furious" does not mean you agree the teacher was unfair.
• Not approval of a behavior. You can validate the feeling behind a slammed door and still say slamming doors is not OK. DBT calls this validating the valid, not the invalid.
• Not praise. The 2009 overview notes that validation differs from making positive comments. It means confirming what is accurate, even when it is negative, such as "Yes, that was a rough way to leave."
• Not giving in. You can validate disappointment about a rule and keep the rule.
• Not faking it. If you do not understand yet, say so and ask. Pretending tends to sound hollow.

The six levels, in plain words

Marsha Linehan, who developed DBT, described six levels of verbal validation. The 2009 overview lists them, and a 2025 study in the journal Family Process used the same six. In everyday terms:

• Pay attention. Put the phone down, look up, and listen without planning your reply.
• Reflect accurately. "So the group chat left you out, and then they posted the photos."
• Say what is not being said. "I wonder if you're also worried about Monday."
• Make sense of it through history. "After what happened last year, of course this feels scary."
• Make sense of it in the present. "Most people would be upset if their plans got cancelled an hour before."
• Be radically genuine. Treat the person as capable, not fragile, and talk to them as an equal.

When action is the validation

Validation is not only words. The 2009 overview describes what Linehan called functional validation: responding to a real problem by helping solve it. If someone says their boss has threatened to fire them, the validating move may be, "That sounds serious. Let's work out what to do," and then actually helping.

This can seem to clash with the warning about jumping to solutions. The difference is timing and fit. Problem-solving feels invalidating when it skips over the feeling or treats a big thing as small. It feels validating when it shows you took the problem as seriously as the other person does. If you are not sure which one is needed, you can ask: "Do you want help fixing this, or do you mostly need me to listen right now?"

Common invalidating responses

Invalidation is usually well meant. A 2025 Family Process study notes that the most common ways people invalidate are minimizing, justifying and problem-solving, and that these are usually meant to ease someone's distress. Examples: "It could be worse" (minimizing), "She probably didn't mean it" (justifying), and "Just talk to the coach tomorrow" before the feeling has been heard (problem-solving).

Researchers working with Linehan described an invalidating environment as one where expressing emotion is met with responses that are inconsistent, do not fit the emotion, or minimize it. In DBT's biosocial theory, a person with strong emotional sensitivity who grows up around frequent invalidation may have a harder time learning to manage emotions. What emotion dysregulation is explains that idea.

This does not mean parents cause a teen's struggles. It means validation is one thing families can practice, and a 2018 study of teens in a DBT trial found an association between observed parental invalidation and self-harm. It was an association, not proof of cause.

Using it with a teen, a partner or yourself

With a teen, validate first and keep it short: "That sounds really embarrassing." Pause. Then, if needed, move to the limit or the plan. The DBT skills for parents of teens guide shows how validation fits with other parent skills, and supporting a teen in therapy covers your role while your teen is in treatment.

With a partner, validation often means resisting the urge to defend yourself first. "You felt brushed off when I checked my phone. That makes sense." You can share your side after they feel heard.

Expect it to feel awkward at first. Teens in particular may notice a new script and say so. Short, plain words in your own voice usually land better than therapy phrases, and it is fine to say, "I'm trying to listen better. I'll probably get it wrong sometimes."

With yourself, self-validation sounds like, "I'm anxious because this matters to me, and that is understandable." The Family Process study notes that self-validation is part of DBT family skills curricula, and caregivers in that study described it as especially meaningful. The same study notes that earlier research suggests validation is a skill people can learn, even in a short training.

Where to learn it, and when it is not enough

Validation is easier to practice with coaching. Adolescent DBT usually teaches it to parents and teens together in a skills group. Mountainside runs a teen multi-family DBT skills group and an adult DBT skills group, described on the DBT groups page, and offers teen therapy with parent sessions. If you are deciding who should attend, teen therapy vs family therapy vs parent training compares the options.

Validation is a skill, not a treatment on its own. If someone is talking about suicide or self-harm, respond with care and get help: call or text 988, or call 911 if there is immediate danger.

Frequently asked questions