What to Do When Your Child Refuses to Go to School

When your child refuses to go to school, stay calm, check for real illness or a safety problem, and find out what is making school hard. Then, this week, see the pediatrician, tell the school what is happening, and set up a steady morning routine that expects attendance without a fight.

That is the short version of what pediatric organizations advise, and the rest of this page fills in the detail. None of it requires you to have the cause figured out first. Most children cannot explain it themselves: the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) notes that school-avoiding children often "do not know exactly why they feel sick."

You did not cause this by being too soft or too strict. School refusal is a pattern with several possible drivers, most often anxiety, and pediatric guidance favors a calm, consistent plan shared by home and school.

First steps: today

If you are reading this on a morning that has already gone wrong, these are the steps to take in order.

1. Lower the temperature. Take a breath before you speak. Cincinnati Children's advises repeating your expectation "in a calm voice" and not criticizing, lecturing or explaining.
2. Check for illness. A fever, or a doctor's instruction to stay home, is a reason to stay home. Other clear signs of illness, or a symptom that is new, severe or unusual for your child, are a reason to call the pediatrician. Stomachaches and headaches that show up on school days and ease on weekends are common in school avoidance, according to the AAP, and they are real symptoms, not faked ones.
3. Check for safety. Ask directly whether anyone is hurting, threatening or humiliating them at school or online. If your child talks about wanting to die or hurting themselves, treat it as urgent: call or text 988, and call 911 if there is immediate danger.
4. Ask what is hard, once, and listen. The AAP advises talking with your child about why they do not want to go and being "sympathetic, supportive, and understanding." You are gathering information, not negotiating.
5. Name the feeling and keep the expectation. The AAP and Nationwide Children's both advise acknowledging your child's concerns while expecting a return to school. Our guide on what to say when your child refuses school has word-for-word examples.
6. Aim for some school today if you can. A late arrival or a half day still counts. If it does not happen, use the home-day rules below and try again tomorrow.

This week: doctor, school and a simple log

One hard morning is not a pattern. Several in a row is a reason to bring in other adults early, because clinicians consistently report that the longer a child stays out, the harder the return becomes.

See the pediatrician

The AAP describes an exam by your child's doctor as the first step, to rule out physical illness. If the exam is clear, the AAP notes the pediatrician can confirm in writing that your child had symptoms and is now able to return to class. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) adds that some children who refuse school turn out to have an unrecognized learning difficulty, medical condition, autism or ADHD, so mention anything you have wondered about.

Contact the school early

The AAP advises discussing the avoidance with school staff, including the teacher, the principal and the school nurse. Be plain about the reason. YoungMinds, a UK charity, suggests telling the school your child is too anxious to come in, not that they are unwell. Nationwide Children's also advises making sure staff do not send your child home for the wrong reasons. See how to talk to the school for who to contact and what to ask.

Keep a simple log

This is a practical step, not a clinical one. The doctor, the school and any therapist will all ask the same questions, and a few lines a day will answer them better than memory.

• Date, and whether your child attended a full day, part of a day or not at all
• What they said or what symptoms they reported, and when the symptoms eased
• What was on the schedule that day (a test, a class, lunch, the bus)
• What you did and what happened next
• Who you spoke to at school and what was agreed

The morning routine

Cincinnati Children's advises creating routines for the morning, afternoon and evening. The goal is fewer decisions and fewer openings for a debate at 7 a.m.

• The night before: prepare clothes, bag, lunch and devices, as Cincinnati Children's suggests. Agree on the plan for the morning while everyone is calm.
• A steady wake time with a cushion: the same source suggests waking earlier to allow extra time, so one slow step does not sink the morning.
• Few words about symptoms: the AAP advises keeping discussion of physical symptoms and anxieties to a minimum in the morning, and specifically not asking your child how they feel.
• A brief, warm, firm script: one sentence that names the feeling and one that states the plan. Repeat it calmly instead of adding new arguments.
• A planned arrival: escorting a child to school is one of the parent strategies listed in American Family Physician. Ask the school which staff member can meet your child at the door, then keep your goodbye short.
• Something to earn: Cincinnati Children's suggests letting your child earn privileges for attending, such as family time or electronic time. Children's Hospital Colorado stresses that the reward should depend on going to school, not come first.

When anxiety is severe, the AAP describes a step-wise return: one day getting dressed and driving by the school, the next attending for half a day or a class or two, then a full day. Our gradual return-to-school plan shows how to build those steps with the school.

On a day they do not go

Some mornings will not work. What happens next matters, because relief from school plus a comfortable day at home can make staying home more appealing the next morning. Children's Hospital Colorado describes this reinforcement as growing stronger the longer a child is out.

The AAP is direct that a day at home "should not be a holiday." Its guidance and Children's Hospital Colorado's point the same way:

• School hours are for schoolwork, in a quiet place, on a schedule as close to school as you can manage
• No screen time privileges during school hours
• No special snacks or visitors
• An adult supervising
• Our own practical addition: ordinary evening and bedtime routines, and the same plan for tomorrow morning

These are not punishments. The AAP also says a child at home should be "safe and comfortable," and should rest in bed if their complaints warrant it. The limits keep home neutral so that school is not competing with a better offer. For more on this decision, see should I let my child stay home?

What not to do

Almost every parent has done some of these on a desperate morning. They are worth dropping because they tend to raise the distress without getting anyone to school.

• Do not punish anxiety. The AAP describes these symptoms as ones children "have no conscious control" over. Remove the perks of staying home, but do not add penalties for being afraid.
• Do not physically force your child. YoungMinds advises against shouting, scolding or physically forcing a child into school, and warns that making them go in without changing anything can make anxiety worse over time.
• Do not negotiate at length. A long back-and-forth can signal that the decision is open. State the plan and repeat it.
• Do not lecture. Cincinnati Children's wording is "Do not criticize, lecture, or explain."

Guidance sources do differ on how firm to be. US pediatric sources lean toward insisting on attendance, while YoungMinds cautions against forcing it. The common ground is to validate the feeling, keep the expectation, change what is making school hard, and never use physical force or punishment.

When to bring in a therapist

The AAP says that if school avoidance lasts more than one week, you and your child may need professional help. Nationwide Children's uses a similar mark, advising parents to speak with the pediatrician if they cannot manage school refusal for more than a week. Consider calling sooner if any of these apply.

• Your child is missing whole days, or mornings are getting worse instead of better
• There are panic attacks, low mood, withdrawal from friends, or changes in eating or sleeping
• The refusal appeared for the first time in the teen years, which AACAP says is more often tied to friend problems, bullying, depression or other mental health concerns
• Conflict at home is escalating and you are running out of ideas
• Your child has talked about self-harm or suicide. AACAP says any child with suicidal thoughts should be evaluated right away. Call or text 988, or call 911 in an emergency.

AACAP describes cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) as the approach with the strongest research support for school refusal, though the number of studies is small. Mountainside Behavioral Health offers outpatient CBT, DBT and parent training for ages 8 and up and their parents, in Greenwood Village and by telehealth across Colorado. For a younger child, start with your pediatrician. Our overview of school refusal treatment options explains what each kind of help involves.

If your child talks about wanting to die, is harming themselves, or you are worried about their safety, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Colorado Mental Health Line (free, confidential, 24/7). If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.

Frequently asked questions

Related reading

• What to say when your child refuses school
• Should I let my child stay home?
• A gradual return-to-school plan
• How to talk to the school
• Why kids refuse school
• School refusal and school avoidance support

All school refusal resources →

This page is general education, not medical or legal advice, and it does not replace an evaluation by a licensed professional who knows your child. Laws, district policies and program details change; confirm them with your school district or the organization named.