Starting Couples Therapy: What to Decide and What to Expect
Short answer
Couples therapy may fit when you both want to work on a pattern that keeps repeating between you, such as the same fight or growing distance. Before you book, agree on a shared goal and how you will attend. Individual therapy may fit better when only one of you is willing, or when one person's own struggles are the main issue. If either partner is afraid of the other, joint sessions are not the right first step.
In crisis or thinking about suicide? Call or text 988 now (in Colorado it reaches the 988 Colorado Mental Health Line). If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
This guide is not enough if
- You are afraid of your partner, or there is physical, sexual or controlling abuse. Individual safety support comes first. Call 911 if you are in danger.
- You or your partner are thinking about suicide. Call or text 988 now.
- You want a therapist trained in a specific couples method, such as Gottman or Emotionally Focused Therapy. Mountainside does not list that training.
- The main concern is a teen's behavior or a family conflict. Family sessions or parent training may fit better.
When your relationship feels stuck
Maybe you keep having the same argument, word for word. Maybe you have drifted into living like roommates, or something happened that shook your trust. You might be the one pushing for help, or the one who is not so sure.
Couples therapy is one way to work on what is happening between you. It is not a verdict on whether your relationship will last, and going does not mean anyone has failed. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) lists marriage and family therapy among the common kinds of therapy, and notes that counseling is usually focused on developing healthy skills to cope with things like a problem in your relationship.
This guide covers how to choose between couples and individual therapy, what to agree on before you start, what sessions usually look like, and when couples therapy is not the right step. To compare local practices and the couples methods they use, see the site's guide to couples therapists in Denver.
Couples therapy or individual therapy
In couples therapy, both partners usually attend together, and the focus is the pattern between you: how you talk, fight, repair and make decisions. The therapist is not there to decide who is right. They help you both see the cycle and practice doing something different.
Individual therapy focuses on one person. It can still be about the relationship. It may fit better when one person's own struggles, such as depression, anxiety, trauma or intense emotions, are driving much of the strain, or when only one of you is ready to start. Some people do both, with different therapists or in a planned mix of joint and individual sessions.
If you are not sure which to start with, that is a fair thing to raise in a first call. Therapists usually ask a few questions about what is going on and suggest a starting point.
| Situation | What often fits first | Why |
|---|---|---|
| You both want to change the same repeating conflict | Couples therapy | The pattern happens between you, so it helps to work on it together |
| Only one of you is willing to go | Individual therapy | You can still work on your side of the pattern |
| One person's depression, anxiety, trauma or intense emotions drive much of the strain | Individual therapy, sometimes alongside couples sessions | That person may need focused care of their own |
| One partner is afraid of the other, or there is physical, sexual or controlling abuse | Individual safety support, not joint sessions | Joint sessions are not appropriate when a partner does not feel safe |
| One partner wants to end the relationship or is unsure | Individual therapy first | Couples treatment may not be a good fit when commitment is in question |
What to agree on before the first session
You do not need to agree on everything. A few shared decisions can make the first sessions more useful:
- A shared goal, in plain words. For example, "fight less about money," "rebuild trust," or "figure out whether we want to stay together." Different goals are fine to name, too.
- That you are both coming by choice. Pressure can backfire. If one of you is unsure, agree to try a few sessions and then talk honestly about it.
- How you will attend. In person or by video, and if by video, where you can sit together in private without children or roommates overhearing.
- How you will pay. Look at costs and paperwork before you start, so money does not become one more fight. The insurance and pricing page explains how the practice handles this.
- That safety comes first. If either of you feels unsafe at home, say so to the therapist privately, even if it means changing the plan.
What sessions usually look like
First sessions are usually about getting to know you both: what brought you in, how you met, what has been hard, and what each of you hopes will change. Some therapists also meet with each partner on their own early on. An article in an American Psychological Association journal says it is critical to ask each partner about violence both separately and privately, so each person can speak freely.
After that, sessions tend to focus on the patterns you named. You might slow an argument down to see what each of you felt in the moment, practice listening without defending, or learn to name a need clearly. Many therapists suggest small practice tasks between sessions. Learning to show that you understand your partner's feelings, even when you disagree, is a skill many couples work on; the guide on what validation is explains it.
Progress is rarely a straight line. A hard session can be part of the work. Therapists usually check in on your goals over time, and you can always say if something is not helping.
When couples therapy is not the right first step
If you are in danger right now, call 911. If you or your partner are thinking about suicide, call or text 988.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) describes intimate partner violence as abuse or aggression in a romantic relationship. It includes physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression, which can be used to harm or control a partner.
When one partner is afraid of the other, joint sessions can make things more dangerous. The APA journal article says couples treatment is not appropriate if either partner does not feel safe, and that when one partner uses violence to control and dominate the other, couples treatment could increase the danger. A SAMHSA guide for treatment providers also cautions that couples and family therapy may be dangerous for domestic violence survivors.
In that situation, individual support and safety planning come first. The couples therapists guide lists a national domestic violence hotline, and the Denver mental health resources page has more local options.
The same article notes that couples treatment may not be a good fit when one partner wants to end the relationship or is questioning their commitment. Individual therapy can help you think that through first.
If one partner is reluctant, and how to start
A reluctant partner is common. It can help to invite rather than insist, say what you hope for without blaming, and offer to let them join a free consultation call before deciding. If they still say no, you can start individual therapy on your own. Changes in how you respond may still shift the pattern between you, and you get support for yourself either way.
Mountainside offers couple sessions, along with individual and family sessions, in Greenwood Village and by secure video for clients located in Colorado. See our services for how couple sessions are described. If parenting a teen is a big part of the strain, the guide comparing teen therapy, family therapy and parent training may help.
When you are ready, you can request a free 15-minute consultation. The guide to the free therapy consultation explains what that short call usually covers.
Frequently asked questions
Will a couples therapist take sides?
A careful couples therapist tries to be fair to both partners and to focus on the pattern between you rather than on who is to blame. That does not mean staying neutral about safety or about behavior that hurts someone. If you feel the therapist is siding with your partner, saying so in session is useful information for them and is part of the work.
Is it normal for a couples therapist to meet with us separately?
Yes. Some couples therapists meet with each partner on their own, often near the start. An article in an American Psychological Association journal says it is critical to ask each partner about violence separately and privately, so each person can answer honestly. Separate meetings can also help each of you share your view without interruption.
Can I go to couples therapy by myself?
You can start individual therapy focused on your relationship, even if your partner will not come. A therapist can help you understand your part of the pattern, set boundaries and decide what you want. Some partners join later once they see the process. If you are afraid of your partner, individual support is the right place to start.
How long does couples therapy usually take?
It varies a lot with your goals, how long the problems have been building and how often you meet. There is no standard number of sessions. Therapists usually set goals with you early and review them as you go, so you can decide together whether to continue, change focus or stop. The guide on how long therapy takes has more detail.
Is it too late for couples therapy?
There is no single point when it becomes too late, but couples treatment works on the relationship, so it depends on both of you wanting to try. If one of you has already decided to leave, individual therapy may help more. Some couples also use therapy to separate or co-parent with less conflict.
Next: talk it through
When you are ready, read more about Our services, or book a free 15-minute consultation to ask your questions.
Sources
- APA, Practice Innovations (2022): Couples Therapy and Intimate Partner Violence: Considerations, Assessment, and Treatment Modalities
- CDC: About Intimate Partner Violence
- SAMHSA, TIP 25: Survivors of Domestic Violence: An Overview (NCBI Bookshelf)
- SAMHSA: Treatment Types for Mental Health, Drugs and Alcohol
- Mountainside: Our services
- Mountainside: Telehealth therapy in Colorado
Clinically reviewed by Emily Biggs-Heisler, Ph.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Clinical Director and Co-Owner (Colorado psychologist license PSY 6010) on November 8, 2026. Facts checked against the sources above on November 8, 2026. This guide is general education, not medical advice, a diagnosis or a treatment plan. It does not create a therapist-client relationship. For advice about your situation, talk with a licensed clinician.